you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
