and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
