he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
