No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
