so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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