she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
