why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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