Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
