I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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