my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
