I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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