How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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