I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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