You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
