After last night, I could never be a politician.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
