A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
