Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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