I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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