My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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