peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
accomplished twins. life is a go
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
