Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
