im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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