I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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