eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
