fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
