he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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