His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You are the jesus of drinking
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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