Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
