Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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