I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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