a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
