I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
