oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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