note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
