my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
