The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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