You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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