Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
