Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
