I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
