I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
