His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
