My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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