onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I need to stop coming to work sober
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
