The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
