dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
