So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
