I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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