what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
