Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
